who put the freaking peeps in the microwave
by thefourteenthdarkone
Summary: Meredy is probably the only person on Earth who'd buy sixty-four boxes of Peeps for the sole purpose of putting them in the microwave and exploding them on her boyfriend when he gets home. Sting really needs to start listening to his feelings of doom. (Now also includes Mirajane and Mard Geer's adventures with the lesser demon of the microwave and last-second haircuts.)
1. Mering

**WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE**

"You want _all of these?!"_ the store clerk asked incredulously, as Meredy piled six more packages of marshmallow birds onto the already-giant heap of packages.

"Yep!" the pinkette exclaimed cheerfully, heaving another three onto the conveyor belt. They nearly toppled as she placed them on top of the others, and it was only thanks to the girl's quick reflexes that all thirty-nine boxes of multicolored marshmallows didn't collapse to the ground. The other customers in the store were giving extremely strange looks to the navy-cloaked, cheerful pink-haired girl who had literally just bought the store's _entire supply_ of Peeps. Literally the entire supply. She had taken all sixty-four boxes and was now in the process of paying for them.

"Do you have a way to _transport_ this?" the cashier asked her, giving another awed look to her purchases as he rang her up.

"Well, obviously. Why would I come buy all these Peeps just to leave them here?" Meredy asked rhetorically, gesturing the blue-haired woman dressed all in blue, who had a bubble of water hanging in the air next to her.

"Um...okay then." he answered, casting another look at the woman and the marshmallows. "That'll be 673 jewels." She handed him the jewels and sang out a thanks as the water bubble floating next to the other woman enveloped the boxes of Peeps and followed the two out of the store.

The store clerk sighed as he watched customers glance at the empty Peeps section. Picking up the phone and dialing his boss, he spoke into the phone as he helped the next customer... "Yeah, funny- no, Jerry left the cereal alone this time...yeah, some pink-haired girl and her friend walked in and bought all the Peeps...no, literally, I _know_ we just got restocked...yes, all sixty-four boxes..."

xxxxxxxxx

"Thanks, Juvia!" Meredy called to her friend as the water mage walked, waving. She had helped Meredy get all sixty-four boxes of Peeps into the kitchen through use of her water bubbles and they were now piled high on the countertop, waiting for Meredy to unwrap them.

The girl glanced at the clock. 3:00. Perfect. Sting usually didn't get back from the guild hall until six or seven on a Saturday, so she had two or three hours.

Dragging the silver trash can over and arming herself with scissors and willpower, she engaged in the process of ripping apart the sticky plastic wrapping that covered the Peeps and attempting to throw it away (I say attempting because Meredy liked pretending she was good at basketball, and therefore spent at least twenty full minutes trying to shoot baskets with balls made of saran wrap. She failed expertly.) The plastic wrap was extremely stubborn and adamantly refused to cooperate, and the resulting Maguilty Sense blades reminded Meredy on why it had been such a good idea to buy sixty-four boxes. Disintegrated marshmallows smelled surprisingly good.

The extricated birds were carelessly flung into a giant red bowl that Meredy had bought a while ago for no particular reason, though it was now coming in handy. She popped one into her mouth as she cut and poked, the melt-in-your-mouth sugar and marshmallow dissolving as she licked her lips. Peeps really were the best thing.

It took about an hour and her dress being covered in sugar particles (she had discarded the cloak into her room a while ago, she didn't really need to wear it in public anymore, but it was a habit and one she didn't really care about getting rid of), but eventually she had seven hundred and sixty-eight Peeps all piled up in the giant red bowl. It took another twelve minutes to carry all the cardboard from the boxes to the recycling bin and another twenty-two to finally clean up all the saran wrap (that was her own fault for sucking at basketball), but she was finally ready.

Grinning madly, the Crime Sorciere mage managed to pick up the bowl and carry it over to the countertop next to the microwave. It was a relatively large microwave and Meredy kept eating the sugar-coated birds, so she was pretty sure she'd have enough room to fit them all. Yanking the door open as wide as it could go, she began carefully lining up the Peeps inside. It was organized for a while, but eventually Meredy got impatient and worried for time, so she simply started snatching handfuls from the bowl and stuffing them in the microwave, creating a pastel-covered mash of sugar, marshmallows, and little black candy eyes. Chewing the four she had dropped in her mouth, Meredy shoved the last armful in the microwave and managed to push the door shut with great effort, and stepped back to survey her work.

She nodded, pleased. Turning on her heel, she quickly washed out the red bowl and put it back in its cabinet, taking a moment to glance at the clock as she did. 6:23. He'd be home any minute.

Another mad grin spread across Meredy's face and she turned the timer on the microwave to five minutes, one hand manipulating the microwave while the other held the piece of paper on how fast Peeps exploded in microwaves she had printed off the internet. Turning it on, she watched as the Peeps began to grow and the microwave seemed to begin to bulge.

 _Wait, wait, wait..._ at the last second, she dived forward and slammed a finger on the cancel button with much more force then necessary, effectively placing one second between the kitchen and exploding-marshmallow-bird-induced destruction.

Now all that was left was to wait some more. She settled back with the last of the Peeps not a moment away from death, smiling wickedly.

xxxxxxxx

For some reason, Sting was struck by a feeling of impending doom as he locked his office door after finally signing the last damage claim and walked out of the Sabertooth guild hall. As he briskly strode down the path, Lector bouncing along behind him, he reviewed what he could have done to tick Minerva/Angel/Rogue/Kagura/some other dangerous entity off.

"Let's see...it couldn't have been Kagura, she wasn't visiting today...I _did_ put that Barbie CD in Rogue's music lacrima, but he was talking with Rufus about books when I left and that conversation wouldn't have ended yet...uh, is Minerva on a job, Lector?"

"No, she and Angel said they went to meet Lucy and Max for ice cream, remember?" the red-furred Exceed said, tapping his chin thoughtfully as he caught up to Sting.

"Really? She went _with_ Angel? Funny, I saw Lucy and Angel walking together along the river and giggling about something with no Minerva or Max in sight...well, that rules out both of them, anyway." Sting was stumped, giving a helpless look to his cat. "I don't know who else it could be."

Lector shrugged. "Did you tick Meredy off? We can never count out Ultear's ghost."

Sting shuddered. "Much as I don't like to think about that, no, we can't. But I bought Meredy a pair of shoes in her favorite color yesterday, so there's no way she's mad at me."

The two continued to be deep in thought as they turned down the street towards the apartment Sting and Meredy shared. Finally, the White Dragonslayer just yawned and decided, "Eh, someone probably made Minerva mad and she's just broadcasting evil vibes. She does a lot."

"I guess, but that doesn't ever happen when she and Angel go on those ice cream outings..." Lector told him skeptically.

"She wasn't with Angel anymore when I saw her." Sting reminded him, climbing the white stairs to the door of the apartment. Lector tossed him the key and Sting managed to pull open the door, carelessly flicking his shoes off to the side as he did so.

The lights in the foyer were off. That was weird. Meredy usually hated the dark, and Sting wasn't too fond of it either.

"Hey, Mer! Why're the lights off?"

She didn't answer, and Sting's sense of foreboding grew stronger. Adopting a careful stance, he silently walked over to the hallway and spotted a light in the kitchen on, though it was totally quiet.

"That's weird, Meredy's not usually quiet and all. She is home, right?" Lector whispered, giving his partner a concerned look.

"That's what she said..." Sting muttered, hesitantly turning into the kitchen doorway.

"Mer- oh, there you are!"

She was standing by the microwave and giving him a huge grin. That was slightly unnerving, as she was usually happy, but that was creep...the microwave was one second away from being done and it was full of...

Sting didn't even have time to utter the violent swears already on the tip of his tongue before his pink-haired girlfriend clicked the "start" button.

The microwave let out a long, loud beep and then the microwave door _literally_ flew off its hinges as the giant, fluffy, sugary, pastel-colored mass of melted marshmallow birds exploded all over the kitchen and, most importantly, directly into Sting, knocking him clean over. Lector ran away shrieking.

When he finally cleared the marshmallow out of his eyes, he was met with a pastel kitchen, a trembling cat, and a marshmallow-covered and hysterically laughing girlfriend. "Hahahahah! OH, your face was BRILLIANT!" she cackled, clicking a few buttons on her phone, probably posting a vine of the whole thing or something equally embarrassing.

"You're posting a vine, aren't you."

"This _needs_ to be shared with the world." she snickered, laying the phone on the counter and skipping over to Sting, who had managed to pull most of the marshmallow off his jacket.

"C'mon, Mer, this jacket has _fur._ This is gonna be a nightmare to get off." She didn't look anything near remorseful, which Sting supposed he should have expected, considering this was the same girl who had glued brightly-colored sparkles to every inch of their basement walls, claiming this improved the fun factor of the house, and Sting hadn't had the heart to tell her otherwise. It still elicited a laugh from Rogue every time Sting's best friend went down there.

"I know, I probably totally ruined my dress." she told him cheerfully, pulling at the sticky lace that lined the top of the red minidress. Sting couldn't resist.

"Might as well just take it off, you know." he said, giving her a suggestive smirk.

"You think you're funny." she deadpanned, flicking him on the arm, and walking over to the counter where her phone lay, presumably to pick it up.

"You just covered the kitchen and the two of us in marshmallow birds. You owe me." her boyfriend complained, following her over to the counter.

He could sense her grin. "Oh yeah?" Faster then he could process, the pinkette flipped around and stuffed a handful of blue fluff in his mouth. "Mmmph!"

"Enjoy!" she called over her shoulder, already dashing out of the kitchen. Sting immediately followed, chasing her laughter down the hallway towards their bedroom. She was predictably already lying on the top shelf of her closet, far out of Sting's reach or how high he could probably jump. That girl's athletic abilities scared him sometimes (then again, she was a member of Crime Sorciere, and that guild was scary in general.)

"That's not fair." Sting pouted, giving her the most sad-puppy eyes he could muster. Meredy just snickered at his futile attempts.

"Face it, _I_ have the best puppy-dog eyes in the universe. That pitiful look won't work on _me_." she told him smugly, poking him in the nose with a purse from her shelf perch.

Unfortunately for her victory, Meredy didn't notice the shelf (which she had admittedly spent way too much time on) slowly cracking from the wall, eventually culminating in a loud crash! and Meredy letting out a high-pitched shriek and falling, shelf and all.

Luckily, Sting's reflexes were fast enough to grab her around the waist before she fell, and he gave her a wicked smile as he dashed out of her closet and whipping open the shower door, tossed her in, clothes and all. "Payback time!" he shouted, flipping the switch and drenching her in freezing cold water.

" _EEEEEEEEE!_ " Meredy writhed as the cold water soaked her clothes and her hair, screaming loud enough that Sting and Lector covered their ears. She managed to clear the hair out of her eyes and sit up, water still pouring over her head and shoulders and dripping down her body. Grinning maliciously, the girl raised her right arm, which had already begun glowing with magic power. Sting's eyes widened as he remembered Meredy's magic, and, more, importantly, exactly what it was capable of doing.

"Oh, _fu-_ " He wasn't able to finish the sentence as a glowing, pink heart bracelet of magic power flickered into existence on his wrist, a similar one appearing on Meredy's. The effects of the Sensory Link were instantly apparent as Sting shivered, the feeling of freezing cold water so real that Sting expected to touch his arm and feel wetness.

She was outright laughing at his expression now as the White Dragonslayer stalked over and flipped off the water switch, granting some relief from the coldness as Meredy hopped out of the shower.

"Fine. I admit defeat on all counts. Happy?" Sting asked, tossing her the navy cloak she always wore. Meredy wrapped herself in it, and he could feel the warmth it was giving her apparent around him, too. It was still cold, however, as Meredy skipped back to their living room, probably to wrap herself in every blanket they owned.

Sting followed. "You can dispel the link now, you know." he pointed out. Meredy just smirked.

"If I'm going to be cold, you are too. Especially when it's your fault."

"I'm not the one who covered the kitchen in marshmallow fluff!" Sting protested, just causing Meredy to laugh more.

"Oh well!" she sang, hiding under a mass of blankets. "It's not like you can do anything about it, anyway." she said, her voice muffled from the pillow over her face.

Sting sighed. She was right. Meredy could probably take Sting down without even breaking a sweat, especially when the two were already linked and she knew where he was ticklish.

"Why are you so infuriating?"

"You know you love me!" her voice sang again, ringing out from under the covers.

"Stop being right."

Meredy retreated further under her blankets, only peeking her face out to ensure he could see her evil grin. "Never! I'm always right. Right, Lector?"

Sting's partner poked his head out from under the blankets. "Yep!"

"C'mon, cat, you're supposed to take my side!" Sting grumbled, giving the two a half-hearted glare (it was hard to glare when they were both so adorable). Meredy just laughed again, flopping over so her mostly-covered head was resting on Sting's lap. "I always win."

Her laugh was so adorable. "I know." He glanced back towards the kitchen. "What are we going to do about the marshmallows?"

Meredy groaned, remembering. "I may or may not be regretting my decision to do that. We should just buy a new kitchen." she mumbled, burying her head in his chest.

"You're _ridiculous._ "

"It's my specialty. Blame Ultear."

Sting shuddered. "I swear that woman is a ghost and is haunting me. I'm not about to say anything that might upset her. Who knows what she's capable of?"

"Erik ended up tied to a tree with ruby necklaces and covered in pink cupcake frosting the last time he said she must have been insane to have come up with me. That should give you an idea." the pinkette told him cheerfully. "Now be a good pillow and shut up."

"Alright, alright." Sting said good-naturedly, and it didn't take long for all three to fall asleep.

(Meredy had still forgotten to dispel the Sensory Link. Sting swore afterward that whatever kind of sugar high she was getting on in those dreams of hers was not something he ever wanted to experience again.)

 **and today on the** **darkone show, we have our usual "darkone writes stupid tumblr-inspired crackshippy nonsense and somehow finds it worthy of publishing. She really hopes you review. Really really really hopes." now I have to go finally finish the rest of my updates because I suck at updating things ugh. I'm thinking about continuing this with more oneshots about various ships putting Peeps in microwaves, what do you guys think of that? Do tell.**


	2. MiraMard

**Inspired by the incredible Eien-ni-Touko (who is also the herald of MiraMard, I am happy to be on this shipxD) and dedicated to my wonderful** **friend Dragon^_^ I hope this makes your night better!**

 **I don't know how many more chapters of this I'll do, as I've realized there really aren't that many different scenarios involving peeps and microwaves. Whatever it is will probably be all crackships, though- don't expect any canon ships.**

 **Imagining the Underworld King covered in marshmallow fluff and short-haired Mirajane is the best thing I've done all day.**

Mirajane knew something went wrong the second she walked in the door of her apartment, where Mard was supposed to waiting for her, as they had a date planned.

As she turned the key behind her and hung her jacket up, she was already mentally ditching the date plans and creating several new scenarios for how the night would go, along with constructing outfit plans. How could she be so certain all the plans had gone to hell? Mirajane had always been good at guessing these things. Her mind was wired for romance, after all. It was required that she always have at least forty-seven backup plans (and enough outfits in mind to match).

That, and the marshmallow fluff splattered on the wall and floor of the hall and the wailing coming from the kitchen could also have been a tip-off.

Delicately stepping around the sticky goo, which she immediately ascertained were melted Peeps, Mirajane entered the kitchen to find she had been, as usual, spot-on. Her boyfriend had somehow gotten marshmallow fluff all over the kitchen, the hall, and his usual black and violet suit, and the microwave looked like it had been on fire. The microwave?

"Mard, you weren't battling the microwave again, were you?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips and giving him an exasperated look.

"Mirajane!" he exclaimed, turning to face her. Confirming her assumptions, there was a box of Peeps on the counter, unwrapped, mostly empty, and matching the colors covering the walls, appliances, and floor. Mard looked a cross between annoyed and despairing. "I was attempting to finally tame this unruly demon," and here he cast a glance at the microwave, "but once again it has rebuffed my efforts. Apparently even these pastel abominations cannot weaken it."

Mira was honestly unsure of why he felt that way. Considering the fact that the microwave was literally burned, with the glass door cracked in half and scorch marks covering the inside, not to mention the burned-out control panel, it looked like her boyfriend had won this round. Then again, the microwave had covered the father of all hygiene freaks in incredibly sticky pink marshmallow fluff. Mirajane was almost starting to believe there really was a demon in the microwave and they were going to have to call an exorcist- it seemed to know all of Mard's weaknesses.

"I don't know," she told him, avoiding the melted Peeps as she walked over to examine the damage to the microwave, "I have a feeling it's beginning to give way." She was going to need a new microwave, at this rate. Mira made a mental note to call the appliance store.

"Mirajane, it covered me in sticky _marshmallow fluff._ Marshmallow fluff! Do you know how long it takes to get that out of my hair? Lamy was messing around with the Cube once and sprayed marshmallows all over the place. It was a _nightmare!_ My hair has never been the same!" Mard nearly wailed, giving her a pleading look. "It's obvious this being has been observing me to ensure my never-ending failure to defeat it!"

Mirajane attempting to refrain from giggling (and failed quite miserably.) The King of the Underworld took a surprising and ridiculous amount of pride in his admittedly magnificent hairstyle and fashion sense, which had most definitely contributed into Mira's decision to date him (there really weren't many men that could make _Mirajane Strauss_ take a step back). However, whenever something to interrupt this beauty routine, the results were extremely amusing. Mard, knowing by now that was what she was snickering about and refusing to care, took the opportunity to formally declare war on the microwave. If there was another thing Mard Geer loved, it was formalities. Mirajane wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the day he had made war plans, enlisted the rest of Tartaros (who were equally confused by this whole microwave phenomenon), and was gathering weapons for an official assault.

"Finished?"

"Yes. Whatever sort of lesser demon this is, it will be destroyed and appropriately punished by the end of this conflict." Mard told her, obviously quite pleased with himself. Mirajane just laughed. She had tried multiple times to explain to Mard how microwaves worked, but 400-year-old demons are not good at understanding electricity and all she had managed to do was cause him to invent a conspiracy theory, and apparently now the power companies, the vaccuum cleaners, and the fluorescent lightbulbs were all in on it. He had written an entire essay on it, complete with documented proof and cited sources. It was honestly quite impressive, for something with no actual evidence to support it.

"That's fine, then. Now, what will we do about the kitchen?" she questioned, glancing around. It wasn't as bad as some of the horror stories she'd heard about people putting way too many Peeps in the microwave, but there was still relative damage. "Maybe I'll call Laki…"

As she scanned the kitchen, she noticed Mard glancing at her with a somewhat-concerned expression. "What's wrong?"

"I'm not sure you were paying attention to your surroundings, Mira…."

Mirajane looked up and down and sure enough, she had managed to step right into a sticky patch. Not only that, but her hair had caught on some of the melted marshmallow on the wall, and now half of her long white hair was stuck to the wall. An extremely non-ideal situation.

She gave Mard a helpless look. She could easily step out of the shoes, but pulling her hair off the wall would be pain that not even the gods could survive. Besides, it would completely ruin her hairstyle and she'd have to wait weeks until it grew back.

Thank heavens her boyfriend was as much of a fashionista as she was. Most people would have just cut around the patch and try to hide it with layers, but that was certainly not what Mard had in mind. Immediately sensing the dire predicament Mira was in, it only took him three seconds to come to a decision and dash out of the room, returning with an entire hairstyling kit, including hair fashion magazines, a minute later. "Look through these." he ordered, placing one in her hands as he prepared for an emergency haircut.

MIrajane and her eye for style quickly found something that would fit most of her wardrobe and look good with the photoshoots she would have that week, and Mard set to work. "It's no wonder I never need professional haircuts anymore!"

"This _is_ a professional haircut." Mard told her, carefully snipping around her ears. Mirajane turned that statement over for a second.

"Did you actually-"

"The most popular hairstylist school offers online classes." she was informed. Mira simply rolled her eyes as he finished with her hair. It really was just like Mard to do something like that.

The first thing both of them did after Mira had been freed was leave the room, as no one needed a repeat of that. The second thing was Mirajane running to the bathroom and shrieking with delight. She had never had short hair before, and it was so _freeing_. What was this? Plus, it looked incredibly good on her, a fact Mard was very quick to point out.

Her eyes glimmered at that. "Lisanna and I can be twinsies now!" she squealed, although her hair had ended up much smoother around then ends then Lisanna's hair, much like Laki's old hairstyle, in fact. "Ooh, everyone at the guild is going to freak when they find out I changed my hairstyle."

"Indeed." Mard agreed. "Especially no one but Lucy and Juvia ever seems to change their hairstyle in your guild." Mirajane thought for a moment, conjuring up images of her guildmates over the years.

"You're right! I know! We should establish a Change Your Hairstyle day, and make everyone in the guild get a new hairstyle!" Mirajane exclaimed, looking absolutely elated at this idea. "In fact, I'll find out what hairstyles my ships like on each other, and then I'll make sure to do those! I'll kill two birds with one stone!"

"That would be an...interesting endeavor." Mard had some doubts over how well the shipping aspect would go, but it was Mirajane, so he was fairly certain she would be able to get everyone at the guild to tell her everything she wanted to know. He had witnessed her forced gossiping sessions before, and she really was impressive. To get _Gray_ to crack was a feat he doubted anyone had ever accomplished before, and would probably never accomplish again. His thoughts were interrupted by Mirajane tackling him in a hug, presumably in a state of euphoria. "This is going to be so great! See, this is why we're such a great team! Shipping and fashion combined!"

Managing to keep from being knocked off his feet, Mard just smiled and hugged her back, fully agreeing with the sentiment. Then he remembered.

"Mira?"

"Yes?" she asked, her head still resting on his shoulder.

"I still have marshmallow fluff all over my suit."

Her eyes widened and glancing down, the two realized they were now stuck together.

Mirajane looked up at him, attempting to separate herself and nearly ripping her dress in half in the process. "Oh, no….." Mard, however, was smirking.

"I don't mind that much. I mean, you are _quite_ close…I could think of worse things to be stuck on." he murmured, brushing a piece of newly-shortened hair behind her ear, further revealing Mirajane's blushing.

"This is serious!" she exclaimed, which did absolutely nothing. For a woman who did extremely revealing photoshoots on a regular basis and was known as the gossip girl of Fairy Tail, Mira was embarrassed fairly easily, and Mard took full advantage of that fact.

"Oh, it's very serious….a bit too serious…..care to lighten the mood?" he asked, leaning over so he was looking right in her eyes. Mirajane looked at him for a second, and then caught the smirk and immediately knew he was teasing her.

"Mark my words, one day, I _will_ get someone to teach me how to turn you into a book!" she announced, hiding her blush by turning on her heel and purposefully walking out of the room, dragging Mard with her.

"I can't get anything past you, can I?" Mard sighed, accepting that he was going to be dragged around until Mirajane figured out how to get them separated without having to strip (which Mira didn't want to admit she wouldn't mind and Mard figured he had teased her enough for one day).

"I'll get Juvia to separate us. A jet of high-powered water should certainly be enough to do the trick!" she announced, heading for the door. Mard gave her an appalled look.

"I am not going outside covered in marshmallow fluff." Mard told her flatly. Unfortunately for him, Mirajane just gave him a sweet smile and dragged him out the door anyway.

"It's called vengeance!"

It was no wonder he liked Mirajane, Mard reflected as he was taken Juvia-hunting, she could have joined Tartaros and passed for an Etherious without even having a book.

 **This is unedited (as I have to go to bed but will have no time to write for another twenty thousand years and wanted to get this published), so it's not that great at all, especially since I've never really written Mard Geer or Mirajane before. However, it turned out better then I expected, and I hope it at least met your expectations! As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!**


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